Published: 01:16 GMT, 31 January 2015 | Updated: 15:23 GMT, 8 February 2015
Dear Bel
A few weeks ago you printed a letter from a wife who had made a mistake and was still being punished after years. She wanted to know if you thought she should leave her marriage.
Well . . . I met my husband when I was 20 and we got engaged at 23. My mother asked why I was with him when he made me cry. I took no notice.
At 25 I went out for dinner with someone who made me feel special. When I arrived home, my fiance had packed my car with all my belongings and then told me to clear off.
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'You are at the threshold of a new phase in your life, and have to hold fast to your newly awakened courage'The next four months were horrendous. My ex would turn up at work asking me to go back to him, while his friends and family contacted my mother and me every other day.
I continued seeing the dinner date, but eventually went back to the fiancé and we married.
That was nearly 39 years ago. My career was high earning and stressful, but I was made to cry every other night — told that he married me to stop ‘him’ from having me.
I wasn’t allowed to have a child (I found out four years ago that I wouldn’t have been able to go full term anyway), and he was always putting my friends down — until I had none.
'Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand.'
Jerusalem Talmud (4th-5th centuries C.E.)
He refused to have my family come and stay with us. Now I have no friends and no close family (because of death) — just my nasty, unforgiving husband.
Two years ago, he had a serious health setback 18 months after leaving me for another woman. Unfortunately he then came back, with no apologies, only recriminations for that old mistake.
I get called horrible names (slag, whore, slut) and he says my life has been made awful as a punishment for what I did to him in 1975.
Now I have taken your advice (given to your other reader) and been in touch with a lawyer. It’s difficult and costly to get a separation, so it looks like I’m going to come out a lot poorer as well as being lonely.
At least I will get my self-respect back and have the opportunity to achieve some happiness in retirement. But I am so scared of starting again. How can I stay strong and not relent in my decision to leave him?
ANN
First let me say how glad I am that you have found a new sense of purpose in reading one of my answers to another reader. In this way (and others) we can help each other with our stories.
It’s a tough realisation for you to discover how much lawyers cost. Nevertheless I admire your assessment that your own ‘self-respect’ will be worth every penny.
For more than 40 years you have been bullied by the man you call ‘husband’; he has sought to control your life in every way and his continuous mental cruelty is nothing short of abuse.
How wise your mother was to wonder why you were with somebody who made you unhappy even in your 20s. I wonder how many times you have gone over in your head why you became the victim of a husband who did not love you.
You tried to break away into a relationship with another man but, for whatever reasons, you voluntarily entered your prison again.
No matter. That is done. Now you are at the threshold of a new phase in your life, and have to hold fast to your newly awakened courage. There is nothing wrong with feeling afraid. What would be ‘wrong’ would be to let that fear paralyse you and prevent action.
I calculate that you are about 64. Some people might think that age quite late to make a new start, but it is not! I ask you to look ahead to at least 20 years of self-determination, in which you will do new things and meet people you cannot possibly imagine now. How do you know you will be lonely? There is a new ‘you’ waiting to run towards your future.
Try this little ritual to give your courage. Hold out your hands, palms uppermost, in front of your body, and contemplate them. Focus on the right hand and imagine it full of the light of surprise, of new experience, of freedom.
Balance them all in your palm, bouncing it a little, and enjoy that sensation. Now nod your head at that right hand and say ‘Yes’ — then slowly switch your gaze to your left hand, while hearing in your mind those ugly words, ‘slag, whore, slut’.
Shake your head decisively, saying ‘No’ to that demeaning judgment, to the unforgiving cruelty, as you turn that hand over, as if to let what is in it fall to the ground. Gone.
Last of all, bring your palms up and cross your arms over your chest, embracing yourself, bestowing strength as well as a new self-esteem.
Your husband left you and only returned (I am concluding) to be taken care of. He called time on the marriage before you did, and it seems to me inevitable that you should both accept that the end is in sight.
All those years ago he clung to you as to a mere possession and fixed the shackles around your ankles. Don’t allow that to happen again.
My Son is being turned against me
Dear Bel
FROM the moment they arrived late on Christmas Day, my son’s wife made it clear she couldn’t wait to leave. They only stayed the one night — a shame for our son, who used to love our Christmases. Since they’ve been together, Christmas is usually celebrated abroad.
An indulged only child, our daughter-in-law hates having to share her enormously popular and gregarious husband with anyone.
She rails against his wide social circle and closeness to his parents and sister. But, of course, time spent with her own family is another matter.
This behaviour is quite different from when she first came on the scene a few years ago, when we thought her delightful and liked her devotion to our son.
It wasn’t long before things began to change and a spitefulness emerged. Volatile and adept at managing his every social move, little by little she is chipping away at our son.
Sometimes he spouts ‘stuff’ which is not coming from him. We see, with great sadness, that she is doing her best to create a distance between him and those close to him. His sister has been made to feel utterly miserable by this controlling behaviour.
Our son is not without fault; he has a part to play here and could (and should) tell her in no uncertain terms to curb her behaviour. But when up against such a volatile character it is easier said than done. He will put up with things to avoid tantrums.
It makes us really sad to think how our family can be affected by such a narcissistic individual whom, in all truth, we barely know, yet who can wield such control because she is married to him.
However, we know if we aired our true feelings he would not thank us, but would defend her, and that would form a barrier. How do you suggest we go forward, as we don’t want to lose him?
JANET
Regular readers will know this is a common issue on the page — but the big question raised affects us all.
A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with an old acquaintance — a women deeply in touch with human psychology — who confessed that she couldn’t get on with her controlling daughter-in-law, and it made her very unhappy, especially as she wasn’t ‘allowed’ to be a real grandmother.
Meanwhile, for every daughter-in-law worry, there is a mother-in-law gripe, too. In some Aborigine tribes there is a taboo on a son-in-law seeing or speaking to his mother-in-law. They believe avoiding each other’s company keeps the peace.
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.
Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.
A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
We may think ourselves so sophisticated in terms of our awareness of human relationships, but there are some truths that lie much deeper within the psyche.
The problem for each one of us is how to come to terms with a situation we cannot possibly change, resolving not to let it make us sad or angry or bitter.
Whether you are facing difficulties with a family member or a colleague or a difficult neighbour, you have to devise a coping strategy. That usually involves keeping calm and not giving the other person the satisfaction of seeing that you are upset by their attitudes or actions.
You feel you are your daughter-in-law’s ‘victim’, so the challenge is to convince yourself that you are one step ahead. I entered the phrase ‘problems with daughters-in-law’ into a search engine, and discovered some fascinating material.
Why not try it? One piece of obvious good sense is that you have to manage the situation because this young woman could be the mother of your grandchildren.
I entirely sympathise with your wish that your son should tell her to mend her manners and her ways — but this isn’t going to happen, is it? He wants a quiet life, so I wouldn’t say anything at all to him — other than to let him know how much you love their (not ‘his’) visits.
It seems to me you have to focus on her being so needy and decide you feel quite sorry for her. Take refuge in amateur psychology (her only-child status etc) because it will help you to feel in control. Then, when you do see her, overwhelm her with warmth, flattery and praise.
I suspect you are becoming more reserved, which is a downward spiral. So make like an Oscar nominee and seem the adoring mother-in-law you are not.
We all have to accept that relationships shift. It’s pointless (if understandable) to feel nostalgic about past Christmases — because the son who enjoyed them is no longer exactly the person he was. Although you will surely go on loving him unconditionally, you have no choice but to accept his new condition.
PS: I had finished this when an email arrived with the subject line: Daughter-in-law problems . . .
Some lovely emails came from readers touched by my sad description of fruitlessly trying to revive a baby otter (January 17).That week I’d been feeling worried about my parents and depressed at the slaughter of cartoonists and Jewish shoppers in Paris and it ground me down. Afterwards your lovely words offered consolation, reminding me of kindness and fellow feeling in the world.
But. There’s always a ‘but’, isn’t there? Last September, I wrote an article for Femail about a touching film called Obvious Child, which had abortion as its theme. I told how in 1980 I had a very early termination on clear medical grounds and made the point that abortion is not always a trauma. Sometimes it feels the right thing to do. Many women were very grateful for that honesty.
Anyway, last week this popped into my inbox: ‘Dear Bel, in your column you spoke poetically about the “horror of loss of human life in a wicked world” and the sadness of the dead baby otter, yet you had your very own tiny fetus ripped out of your womb, which should be the safest of places for a baby.
‘You are nothing but a HYPOCRITE. Bel, you are a phoney, a make-believe person, a terrible hypocrite with a cold, cold heart. Test of humanity? — FAIL’
The charming missive was signed Irene, although the email address came from a Kendra (we’ll omit her surname). Because of the spelling of ‘foetus’ I imagine she is American. Maybe she sends death threats to doctors and nurses in abortion clinics and harasses miserable teenage girls on the way in.
Maybe she thinks it would be better for a woman to put her life in danger than have a medical termination. Who knows? This strong female doesn’t care much, but I thought Kendra/Irene would like to see her words in print — just to show how balanced we can be here.
People often ask me why I’m not on Twitter. Imagine it! All the world’s bigots tweeting their prejudice, nastiness, insecurity and rage. Dear readers, life is too short.
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