BEL MOONEY: Should I reveal all and wreck my lover's marriage?

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Published: 01:17 GMT, 7 February 2015 | Updated: 15:24 GMT, 8 February 2015

Dear Bel

I recently got in touch with an old university acquaintance. He is married and I am divorced. We live in different countries and met (for business reasons) in a third country.

We planned to stay at a friend’s empty flat for three days. He offered to take the sofa — and did the first two nights, while pleading to sleep with me. I refused because he was married. But I finally gave in on the third night, when he said he’d had another affair before me. I felt I couldn’t be the cause of problems in the marriage if I wasn’t the only one he’d cheated with. I left for home the next day.

As part of work, we were introduced to many people in that country — and after I left two of them contacted me to ask outright if we were having an affair. I said no. They told me that it’s well known that his wife had an affair, and that he had certain sexual problems, that he used to drink too much, smoke too much, and so on. They also said he knows his wife had an affair — whereas I don’t think he does, from what he told me.

I am now disturbed because I like him, and ordinarily, as a friend, I would have told him what I heard about his wife. But the fact that I have slept with him complicates things, as he may now think I’m only saying these things because I am jealous of his wife.

If I’m honest, yes, I probably am jealous that she has a good husband and think it’s a shame she doesn’t recognise this. He told me about their many marital problems as his justification for having an affair.

'Everything beckons to us to perceive it, Murmurs at every turn, 'Remember me!' A day we passed, too busy to receive it, Will yet unlock us all its treasury.'

Rainer Maria Rilke (Austrian poet, 1875-1926) 

I can’t decide what to do. Be selfish, protect myself from the drama and avoid him? It will cost me money in terms of lost business, but I can easily afford that. Or should I follow my instinct and meet him, and tell him about his wife, regardless of what his reaction will be? He may already know, or I may be mistaken in thinking he doesn’t know; or she may not be actually having an affair.

In all this, I have to consider my two young children, because of whom I had (before this) never slept with a married man. I truly wish my friend well, and hope for his sake that the rumours are not true, for I think it may destroy him. What shall I do?

LUCY

Terminology is a very important thing — because words matter, and using the correct ones can work wonders in clarifying thought.

For that reason, when my children were growing up, I used to warn them against describing someone they had just met as a ‘friend’.

After all, it’s very important to be able to distinguish between real friends and new people you just like and who seem fun.

A ‘warm acquaintance’ was the term I used — because I wanted them to realise that to grow friendship and true affection takes time, tolerance and effort.

So let me begin by pointing out that this man is not your ‘friend’; nor are you his. What’s more, you have not had an ‘affair’. You are old acquaintances (your word) and temporary colleagues who have had the sort of one-night-stand countless millions have enjoyed and then gone separate ways, like ships that pass in the night. Lord, can it be exciting!

I think it would be a huge mistake to inflate what happened, but nor do I think you, an unattached woman, should feel unduly guilty for giving into his pleading and having one night of (I hope) jolly sex on a foreign shore.

Good luck to you — as long as you leave it right there, before any real harm is done.

So now we come to the current situation and what seems to me to be a false problem: because there is only one sensible answer.

I think that deep down you know what you should do — which is precisely nothing.

You don’t really know this man. Nor do you know his wife. The only information you have is the gossip of meddling strangers, as well as the sad stories he told you (‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ — poor diddums) about his ‘marital problems’ when he was trying to shift off that uncomfortable sofa and into the bed.

You had a fun time with the guy and would quite like more of the same. But it’s not going to happen, is it? You live in different countries, while you have two children who must be your chief priority. He has a wife and a bunch of problems that you don’t want to get involved with.

The idea of ‘following your instinct’ and meeting him again in order to repeat the tittle-tattle about his wife’s alleged affair and maybe have another one-night-stand. Oh, no, no, no!

It wouldn’t be ‘selfish’ to protect yourself from this potentially messy business, just wise.

I wonder if it might be a good idea to use what happened as a spur to thinking about what may be lacking in your busy life.

You sound as if your career is very rewarding on more than one level, but have you had any fulfilling emotional relationships since your divorce?

Since your children are young, I am guessing you haven’t been divorced that long, and reading between the lines of this email, you sound to me to be rather wistful; even lonely.

I do applaud your honesty in admitting that you are a bit jealous of this wife — doubting that she loves her ‘good husband’. You reveal much in that comment.

It’s also clear that you are a woman with firm ideas of right and wrong — hence your guilt over sleeping with a married man.

Surely you are mature enough to continue necessary work communication with this man without blabbing gossip or jumping into bed?

Stay in control of yourself — and if he tries to come on to you again, shrug him off with a cool ‘Hasta la vista, baby’.

Dear Bel

Each year I promise to be a better daughter, but fail.

My father left when I was ten and my mother raised my sister and me alone.

She did a wonderful job — my sister and I are both independent women with successful careers and happy marriages.

But our 34-year relationship is not a happy one. Seeing other mothers and daughters, I am sad that we do not seem to have the same loving connection.

I feel she wasn’t able to move on from her divorce, with the result that my beautiful, intelligent, capable mother seems scared of doing anything — even normal, everyday tasks, such as going to the bank. She worries what others may be thinking about her and seems sad and lonely.

This has become worse since my father died a few months ago. I feel burdened by a sense of responsibility when I visit her or try to help her, and then I am overcome by guilt when we argue.

I can’t make her happy — only she can do this for herself. Our relationship is marked by continual rows and fights.

My mother is obviously hurt by this, but she does not realise the impact her behaviour has on me.

It has got to a point where it is affecting my relationship with my husband.

My aunt (my mother’s sister) says I should take her out and help her more.

But my uncle (her brother) and my husband say I should live my own life and not worry about her.

My sister is supportive, but has to deal with a similar relationship with our mother. I was estranged from my father and he died before we could rectify it. I fear the same will happen with my mother and feel at the end of my tether.

LISANNE

What strikes me as strange is that nowhere in your letter (which I’ve had to cut slightly) do you give any specific examples of ‘behaviour’ that impacts on you so seriously as to prompt this letter.

You don’t describe your mother as bad-tempered, ungrateful, nit-picking, rude, self-absorbed — or anything other than ‘sad and lonely’.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. 

Surely I’m not alone in noticing the contradiction between your effusive praise (‘wonderful job’ and ‘beautiful, intelligent mother’) and evident frustration — almost to the point of hostility. What are your rows actually about? I have no clue.

You say your mother never moved on from her divorce, which happened many years ago. Nevertheless it’s easy to understand how being left by her husband affected her so profoundly that your father’s recent death triggered complicated feelings of pain, unworthiness, anger and sorrow.

So, it’s unsurprising that her mood has recently darkened. Have you asked her about this?

Since you say she’s so worried and anxious most of the time, I’m wondering if she is suffering from depression — and if so, what you think can be done about it. Have you suggested she visit her GP?

You assert that you ‘can’t make her happy’ because she is the only one who can do that — and yet I can’t quite agree. It seems to me that we can all try to help each other inch towards, if not happiness, then contentment.

You have two ways forward, and one of them isn’t to do nothing. It won’t surprise you that I agree with your aunt, and not your husband or uncle.

At the very least, self-interest might push you towards taking care of your mother, since you’ll be racked with guilt if you don’t.

I know it seems easy to say but, honestly, have you tried to sit down with your mother and have a proper, patient conversation about how she views her life — past, present and future?

Have you ever told her what a terrific job she did, as a single mum, bringing you up? You might present her with a lovely little book by Oprah Winfrey called What I Know For Sure, and suggest she marks and reads you parts she has particularly enjoyed — just to start the conversation rolling.

It sounds as if you are complaining so much it’s getting on your husband’s nerves. So, it would be good to stop and think positively. Start with the good (your praise) and build on it. Make it a project not to get angry (the way forward is deep breaths and determination), but to find out more about who your mother really is.

You can do this. And you will ultimately be so glad you made the effort to help this one parent to whom you owe so much.

The story of how young beautician Katie Cutler raised thousands for vulnerable pensioner Alan Barnes — mugged by a vile coward — touched us all. Katie’s spirit of generosity, which inspired the same in others, made me reflect how often we encounter ordinary kindness and perhaps don’t notice.

For example, I’ve recently met my parents’ two GPs (different surgeries) and was struck by the genuine warmth, interest and care shown by both men. It isn’t always, so let’s give credit due.

It was the same when my mother went to A&E at the Royal United Hospital in Bath. Hard-pressed though they are, the staff were lovely — and so were those on the ward. We hear many bad stories that should make us concerned, but it’s vital to share good news too.

Then came the day the stairlift was to be installed at my parents’ house. I was taking my mum to hospital for a check-up so had to leave my father with three jolly chaps (two delivering and setting up the equipment and the other fitting it). But a little mix-up in what he expected resulted in Dad getting cross and bothered. At 93, he’s allowed to. But there my story of good karma starts — with Mary.

Mary works in the office of the small Wiltshire firm, 1st Choice Stairlifts, answering the phone to customers.

She’d only come along that day because she loves this column (three cheers for the Mail, I thought!) and her boss thought it would be good experience for her to see an installation — while also meeting me and my little dog.

It was me who needed her help! So I left lovely Mary keeping everyone calm, making tea and generally looking after everything and everybody. Cynics might say all these people were only being nice because I was there. But I assure you, such deep warmth can’t be faked.

When we got back, my worried Dad couldn’t have been happier, and I told Mary she was an angel. Yes, they come in all shapes and sizes — and we mustn’t forget that.

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