Published: 01:28 GMT, 1 November 2014 | Updated: 12:15 GMT, 1 November 2014
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
From In Flanders Fields by Lt Col John McCrae (1872-1918)
DEAR BEL
I keep telling myself my mother hates me. I know it’s not true, but I always tell myself that after a good cry.
I’m only in grade eight, and for the past two years I’ve been through a lot of c**p with my mom.
The thought of me possibly being bisexual or lesbian has crossed my mind, but if I am, I would then have to live with keeping that secret my entire life — listening to my parents complain about gay people and their ‘disgusting life style.’
It’s not just liking girls I’m worried about, it’s also my general relationship with my mother.
I have an older brother and a younger sister and brother. Whenever something goes wrong, it’s my fault. Whenever we play a game, I lose. Whenever we have ‘family time’, it basically means everyone making fun of me.
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'I’m only in grade eight, and for the past two years I’ve been through a lot of c**p with my mom' This may seem like a dumb thing to complain about, but I’ve had to cry myself to sleep almost every day.
I’d tell you more about my bad experiences, but I’m afraid Mom would get in trouble for child abuse because as a black mother she believes a child should be hurt as punishment.
She and my dad are over-protective, to the point where I can’t do the simple things everyone else can.
It makes me feel left out — watching everyone get Instagram, and go to each other’s houses and McDonald’s. It makes me feel lonely.
Yes, I love my mother, but once a day I don’t. And the bad memories of her are piling up. I have to lie to her to do the things I want and it’s tiring.
I feel like I’m in a cage that just makes me want to go out and disobey my parents.
And I have to keep things from them in fear of being punished. I plan to be successful, to act, direct or sing. But being locked up in a cage makes me believe in myself less and less. Will living in fear of my mother affect my future success and well-being?
LILA
Because you mention ‘Mom’ and ‘grade eight’ I am guessing you are writing from the U.S., although it makes no difference to me — since teenage family problems matter wherever they are. I’m guessing you must be 13 or 14, and ready to move up to the next stage in your education.
This is such a difficult time for you — on the cusp of becoming a ‘proper’ teenager, with all the worries of school and social life crowding in, and no chance to talk openly with your parents.
Honestly, girls and boys who have idyllic home lives can still feel really bad, but it’s so much worse when you feel at odds with your family.
Let’s cut to the chase and answer your last question. No, I don’t think that your relationship with your mother will affect your future success and well-being, although it does worry me that you say you ‘live in fear’ of her. But let’s just deconstruct that.
I’m glad you acknowledge you do love her, but it’s tough for you that your mother is such a strict disciplinarian, a fact you attribute to her racial background.
If the day comes when your mother’s methods of punishment overstep the mark (and you will know), then I would suggest talking to a student counsellor or an older family member without delay.
Somebody needs to give her wise advice that bullying your children is not virtuous, and is likely to send them in the very worst direction.
Parents who are over-protective and too ready to lash out need to realise that as their children grow older they will pass judgment with their feet — and not come home.
At your age you need to be allowed some leeway, but since you have to live with the parents you have, then you must devise ways of looking resolutely ahead. Because you must know that this phase will pass. It really will.
I want you to understand that it’s quite normal for a young teen to feel left out and lonely within the family, to believe that siblings are favoured (even if they’re not) and that parents do not understand. It is also normal to tell fibs — and to feel unsure about your sexuality.
It’s really important that you understand you are not alone — that if you went to the shopping mall and looked around, nearly every boy or girl your age would be seething inside, with some or all of these feelings.
The big, important thing to focus on is your ambition. You want to make something of your life — to be creative and fulfil whatever talent you want to develop.
In my opinion that should be the guiding star, leading you on an amazing quest. It is just like the boys and girls in old fairy tales, in which the odd one out who is kind and brave and resourceful wins in the end. Imagine yourself the heroine of such a tale, ready to face danger and walk through dark forests towards the light of a happy adult life.
I use the phrase ‘amazing quest’ with real seriousness. You have this one precious life, Lila — a wonderful gift to treasure.
To that extent, don’t think of yourself as ‘locked in a cage’, but as keeping yourself safe — for the moment. The world is full of dangers and temptations which can result in dreams being abandoned and hearts broken. Don’t be in a rush.
You are taking steps towards discovering who you are, and it doesn’t matter if those steps are slow.
Now I’d like you to sit down (maybe with your younger brother and sister) and watch Disney’s Frozen — singing proudly along with Elsa: ‘It’s funny how some distance makes everything seem small / And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all / It’s time to see what I can do / To test the limits and break through.’
And remember the hopeful message of that wonderful movie — that it is an act of family love which unfreezes the heart and makes everything all right in the end.
Look for it at home. Believe — and I bet you find it.
How can I win back the man I love?
DEAR BEL
Until February my partner and I had a very good relationship — we’d been together for about two years. He was affectionate and couldn’t do enough for me.
We had our ups and downs as any couple do, but always came out stronger.
He was discussing marriage and we were looking forward to a future together.
Around March this year, I started to get very ill (although I didn’t know at the time), and was terrible to him, pushing him away, picking arguments and just being horrible.
I once even accused him of seeing another lady. In August, he sat me down, crying as he did so, and told me he loved me to pieces but was leaving me, as he could not stand the constant arguments any more. He said the negative outlook I had was making him ill.
For two days I begged him to reconsider, but he would not talk to me, saying it was too difficult and I was suffocating him. Very shortly afterwards I was hospitalised, and diagnosed with severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, due to a physically and emotionally abusive former relationship.
Now I have started on medication and am feeling cheerier — so I am mortified by my past behaviour but still feel hollow and empty.
I want to get better for myself, but I also want to show him that I am not the negative person I was due to my illness and that I am capable of being the partner he deserves.
I have not had any contact with him since September 1. He has not blocked contact channels, but I thought it best to keep my distance as I don’t want to come across as ‘suffocating’ again.
Do you think that there is any way I can rectify this mess? Or should I let him go?
LORRAINE
September isn’t very long ago and I don’t see any reason for you not to feel just a bit hopeful. Don’t we all need to hope — until we realise it’s pointless to cling to unrealistic expectations?
Then that’s the moment to ‘pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again’ as the song goes —which is often easier said than done.
But I’m not sure you are quite there yet. So let’s approach the road of ‘rectification’ and see where it leads. What harm will it do?
You don’t tell me how old you both are, or whether this man also had a history of unhappy relationships. Both would be relevant and interesting.
If he had not endured any difficulties in past relationships, he would be less able to deal with somebody whose own misery made her, simply, ‘horrible’.
Or he might have been as vulnerable as you yourself, which would help to explain his inability to stand firm against your unhappiness and negativity.
It is very difficult for anybody (except perhaps a saint) to withstand constant carping and anger. Did you know that sneering contemptuously (which I bet you did) is the most toxic thing in any relationship?
You need to set yourself a goal, one part of which is discovering whether or not there is any future in this relationship.
But before that you have to continue with the medication and seek any counselling offered as a part of your treatment. Please ask for this.
It is almost certainly very hard (given your history) for you to believe that you deserve to be happy, and therefore this needs to be worked on with some urgency. Pills are not enough.
Then, naturally, you need to talk to your man. Whatever you do, don’t send him texts (I detest the modern belief that this is a form of communication), but initiate contact with perhaps a civilised card or a letter, asking if he is well, telling him how good you are feeling, and suggesting you meet up for a drink.
Then, when you see him, don’t rehearse any bad things or apologise for being so horrible — leave all that quiet, for the present.
Instead, chat about good times you had together and talk cheerfully about anything on the horizon, even Christmas.
Smile and be the gentle person you always wanted him to love — telling yourself you deserve to make him and yourself happy. And please let me know how it goes.
And finally... WWI tour that left me awe-struck
Words don’t usually fail me, but it’s hard to describe the three-and-a-half days we’ve just spent in Belgium in the Ypres area, on a battlefield tour organised by The War Poets Association.
Does it seem a strange thing to choose to do — guided through those terrible, magnificent cemeteries in Flanders, maintained with such care and honour by the Commonwealth War Graves Commission?
To study the work of great poets who have helped to define World War I for us? To reflect on numbers of the dead so vast, so unfathomable, so indescribably cruel that your head reels and your eyes stare with incomprehension, beyond weeping?
Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.
Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.
A pseudonym will be used if you wish.
Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Sad and exhausting it certainly was (although we also had merriment and good conversations with like-minded people in our group) yet you return with your mind freshly angry at the thought of the catastrophic carnage while your spirit is humbled and uplifted by the power, the pity of war.
Two years ago we went (with the same group) to the Somme; this centenary year we had to make another pilgrimage.
A similar spirit of remembrance is taking thousands of people to see the powerful ceramic poppy installation at the Tower of London, knowing exactly what it represents as they stand silent before its beauty.
We, too, were silenced at Tyne Cot, the largest cemetery (nearly 12,000 names) for Commonwealth Forces in the world — and also at Langemarck, where the total of German soldiers buried or commemorated stands at 44,234. And each name invoking grieving mothers, wives, sweethearts, grandparents, children.
So in love, awe and gratitude we went to bow our heads before history and sacrifice. On Monday night we were present at the 29,744th ceremony of remembrance at the great Menin Gate in Ypres (or ‘Wipers’ as my grandfather, who was there, called it).
As the crowd of something like 2,000 stood to hear the Last Post and then the band of the Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment played our National Anthem, I felt so very proud to be British. And I know that the fight to uphold and protect our values can never end.
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